Shocker! Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed to be .38 Special Guitarist Donnie Van Zant

In a development that shocked the crypto world, the music industry and the greater Jacksonville metro area, .38 Special guitarist Donnie Van Zant was outed as Satoshi Nakamoto, the mysterious creator of Bitcoin.

The long-haired southern rocker famous for such gems as “Hold on Loosely” and “Caught Up in You” was not previously on the short list of potential Nakamoto candidates.

However, an advanced textural analysis of Van Zant’s lyrics conducted by the Zurich-based Institute for Cryptocurrency Research (ICR) revealed a number of startling clues.

“If you look at .38 Special’s landmark 1982 album Special Forces, you’ll see a number of references to digital currency — and some damn fine southern-fried boogie,” said Marvin Devereaux, who led the study of .38 Special’s musical oeuvre. “Specifically, consider the song “Breakin’ Loose,” which contains the following lyrics:

Drunk all day
Baby’s gone away
Bout to hit that freeway
With nuthin’ but a bottle of Jack and $16 dollars in peer to peer electronic currency

Devereaux said this reference to electronic currency pre-dates even the earliest writings of Bitcoin pioneer Hal Finney.

“It was really quite astonishing,” he said. “Of course, we were less astonished when we discovered that Donnie Van Zant spent two semesters studying at the Ecole Polytechnique in Switzerland — one of the world’s foremost universities.”

Van Zant, for his part, called the accusation “horseshit cooked up by a pointy-headed yankee sonofabitch.”

“He must be drunk on poison whiskey,” said the 68-year-old Jacksonville-born bassist. “First I can’t even pronounce Nick Szabo’s name — is it “sahhhbo” or “suh zabo?”

“Second, this textural analysis is all messed up. The line isn’t “with nuthin’ but a bottle of Jack and $16 dollars in peer to peer electronic currency”. The real lyric is “with nuthin’ but a bottle of Jack and $16 dollars in beer money for an emergency.”

Not everyone, however, is convinced by Van Zant’s denials.

Roger Ver, founder of Bitcoin Cash, said that Van Zant is not only Satoshi Nakamoto, he’s also Dr. Craig Wright.

“Have you ever seen Donnie Van Zant and Craig Wright in the same place?” Ver said. “Pretty amazing coincidence if you ask me. By the way, Dr. Van Zant/Wright continues to maintain that Bitcoin Cash is closest to his original vision.

“Now let’s go save some dying third world children with our shitcoin.”