Groestlcoin Announces Game-Changing Rebrand

Groestlcoin, an “instant and private” cryptocurrency that stunned observers by spiking more than 500-percent in value Tuesday, has announced a “game changing rebrand.”

“We’ve heard a lot of chatter in crypto circles about Groestlcoin being a terrible name,” said Igor Jansons, Groestlcoin’s founder and lead developer. “So we’ve decided to rebrand.”

Jansons said his team spent more than 5,000 man hours deliberating in order to come up with “the most compelling and engaging coin name possible.”

“It was a long, difficult slog, but we’re proud to announced that we’ve done it,” he said. “As of tomorrow, Groestlcoin will officially be called Gröestlcoin. Isn’t that amazing? The umlaut makes all the difference.”

Not everyone is thrilled with the rebrand, however.

Fritz Schimmelharf, a linguistic historian at the University of Southern Bavaria, said that the word “groestl” is an archaic Middle German word that roughly translates as a “wicked wood sprite or fairy that steals the souls of children.”

“I’m not sure this is a great name for a global currency,” Schimmelharf said. “Adding the umlaut just makes it even more emphatic.”

Jansons, however, was unswayed.

“The days of people calling us “Grosscoin” or “Gristlecoin” are over,” he said. “We are thrilled to begin the process of making “Gröestlcoin” a household name.

“In a very short period of time, phrases such as “your coffee will be three Gröestlcoins, please” and “this vehicle lists for 30,000 Gröestlcoins” will be heard millions of times each day.”