New Study Shows 94-Percent of Crypto Investors Hate Crypto

Are you a crypto investor who often asks himself “why am I even doing this?”

Then you’ve got good company.

A stunning new survey from the Zurich-based Cryptocurrency Research Institute (CRI) shows that 94-percent of crypto investors actually hate crypto.

“A few months ago I loved everything,” said local crypto investor Esteban Alvarez. “The ridiculous memes, the relentless shilling — I even used to upvote idiots who posted “to the moon!”

Those days, however, are but a distant memory for most investors.

“I’ve lost half my portfolio value yet I somehow spend even more time online,” Alvarez. “I helplessly watch 20-percent dumps then celebrate five-percent pumps. I watch shitcoins double in value overnight while my “blue chip” tokens stay stagnant. Every time I “tether up” the market spikes instantly. It’s maddening.”

Alvarez said that despite these frustrations, he is unable to extricate himself from the cryptosphere.

“Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?,” he said. “I’m sappy ass Jake Gyllenhaal, and crypto is that taciturn, emotionally withholding bastard Heath Ledger. He gives me a little hope, then crushes it in the most ruthless fashion imaginable. I’ve said “I wish I knew how to quit you” at least a dozen times.”

Alvarez said he’s worried about his future.

“I know what’s going to happen — crypto’s going to die and I’m going to be left sniffing its nasty ass cowboy shirt in my broken down trailer mumbling “Bitcoin I swear.” On the other hand, there’s a chance the bull market is just around the corner. I’ll be damned if I sell now and miss out.”