Cryptopia, an unpopular New Zealand cryptocurrency exchange known for exceedingly liberal coin listing policies, has announced a major rebrand.
Speaking at a Thursday press conference, Cryptopia founder Terry Hogan said the rebrand was an imperative, as his exchange has lost critical ground to more sophisticated platforms such as Coinbase and Binance.
“While Binance charges a $250,000 fee to list a new coin; we generally have to pay projects to list them,” Hogan said. “Among investors, Cryptopia has developed a reputation as a crypto dead zone — we just don’t have any buzz.
“That’s why I’m proud to announce we’ve renamed ourselves “Mr. Magorium’s Shitcoin Emporium.”
Hogan said the rebrand goes far deeper than a mere name change.
“We paid some TaskRabbit $8.32 cents to design our original platform,” Hogan said. “That’s why it looks like something created for a municipal water department or a county parole office — it’s dull, colorless and hard to navigate.
“Mr. Magorium’s Shitcoin Emporium, however, will be full of vibrant pastel colors; and, of course, the half-dead, quarter-cent zombie coins our user base loves to collect.”
When asked why he believes the rebrand will be successful, Hogan said he plans to distract investors with shiny colors and forced whimsy.
“Most savvy investors don’t want to buy obvious trash tokens like SlothCoin, MetalMusicCoin,BeezerCoin or Bitcoin Cash,” Hogan said. “But I had an epiphany while watching “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” on a transatlantic flight.
“The movie is a fifth-rate Willy Wonka rip-off, but the hallucinatory color scheme was so distracting that I watched the whole thing anyway. I figured since we’re a fifth-rate cryptocurrency exchange, I could pull the same trick.”
Hogan was joined at the press conference by a downcast-looking Dustin Hoffman, dressed in his vintage Mr. Magorium costume and a “Keep Calm and Hodl” trucker hat.
Hoffman, who has agreed to serve as the public face of Mr. Magorium’s Shitcoin Emporium, declined to answer questions about his new role as a crypto exchange mascot.
Hogan, however said he was delighted to bring the actor onboard.
“Thanks to the #Metoo movement, Dustin works pretty cheap these days,” he said. “So he’s a perfect fit for us.”