After Man Loses Life Savings in SpankChain, Suicide Hotline Tells Him “Life Isn’t For Everyone”

Crypto investor Jerry McCall thought that porn was blockchain’s ultimate use case, so he double mortgaged his suburban ranch house and bought 750,000 SpankChain tokens.

“Warren Buffett always says it’s important to know what you’re investing in,” said McCall, a 42-year-old IT worker who hasn’t slept with his wife in 17 months. “And believe me, I can identify the ass of Kayden Kross at a distance of at least 500 yards.”

Unfortunately for McCall, SpankChain’s value has plunged by 80-percent since the time of his investment.

“I thought pornography was recession and bubble-proof,” he said. “But then I realized I wasn’t buying porn, per se — I was buying some magic masturbation token that could be exchanged for porn at some unspecified future date.”

Faced with the prospect of telling his wife their house would be lost to foreclosure as the result of his investment, McCall called a national suicide hotline number he found posted on Reddit.

“Telling my wife that I lost the house to crypto is bad enough,” he said. “But telling her I lost the house on something called “SpankChain?” There’s no coming back from this.”

McCall, however, was dismayed by how the suicide hotline operator treated him.

“I told him I was on the verge of doing something stupid,” McCall said. “He told me “that ship has already sailed; betting your life savings on something called SpankChain? I’ve heard some real sob stories doing this job but that is incredible.”

McCall said the operator, after struggling to contain his laughter, told him that “life isn’t for everyone” and that “slipping the surly bonds of this mortal coil offers its own kind of sweet release.”

“I was pretty outraged,” McCall said. “So I decided to soldier through this and tell my wife.”

Now, McCall is currently living in a local men’s shelter.

“I’m not going to lie — shit is pretty Dickensian here and I haven’t been laid in forever,” he said. “On the other hand, I have 750,000 SpankChain tokens, so I’m about to take onanism to a world historical level — if this shit actually ever goes online.”