Comparing their collective plight to that of “an abusive, co-dependent marriage,” the head developers of 3,201 altcoin projects have petitioned the United Nations Commission for Financial Justice for a restraining order against Bitcoin.
“Altcoins have suffered long enough,” said Adam Masters, an attorney representing the group. “Partnerships, innovative technology, real world adoption — none of it seems to matter when “Big Daddy Bitcoin” staggers home drunk after a two-day gainer and shits the bed.”
Masters said the 3,201 projects enjoined by the court order represent every altcoin project in existence except two.
“Roger Ver wouldn’t go along with it,” Masters said. “He told me Bitcoin Cash is Bitcoin and that he wouldn’t be comfortable suing himself.”
Masters said TRON CEO Justin Sun also declined to join the order of protection.
“Apparently he’s shorting his own project and wants to maintain the status quo,” he said.
If the appeal to the U.N. fails, Masters said altcoins have two more options.
“We’re going to ask Gwyneth Paltrow to facilitate a “conscious uncoupling” of Bitcoin and altcoins, kind of like what she did when she divorced that goofy bastard from Coldplay.”
Failing that, Masters said he plans to ask researchers at CERN to discover a new method for reducing Bitcoin’s gravitational pull on altcoin value.
“It’s a longshot but at this point we’re ready to try anything,” he said.