The crypto world was stunned today after reclusive Bitcoin inventor Satoshi Nakamoto made his first public appearance in seven years.
Nakamoto appeared at a hastily-arranged press conference driving a $2 million dollar banana yellow Lamborghini Sesto Elemento.
Reporters noted the middle-aged Nakamoto was wearing skin-tight True Religion jeans embroidered with the words “HODL BITCHES” across the back pockets.
“Damn, he just reeks of Axe body spray,” marveled one grimacing journalist.
Nakamoto said he returned to set the record straight.
“I read a lot of misleading things about me and my so-called ‘vision’ while I was on sabbatical,” Nakamoto said. “The truth is I was never a purist, bro; I’ve always had a taste for the good life.”
Nakamoto said he was thrilled with the direction crypto has taken.
“Lambos were always part of my vision,” he said. “For awhile I also strongly considered having Ed Hardy or Rolex sponsor the Bitcoin white paper.”
Nakamoto said he spent the first two years of his sabbatical on John McAfee’s island in “semi-captivity.”
“John’s good people,” Nakamoto said. “But goddamn that dude is addicted to shilling shitcoins on Twitter. I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I burned out and spent six months in Ibiza getting an education in dubstep. It was pretty lit.”
Nakamoto said he was unfazed by the split in the Bitcoin community, and that he had no plans on designating either Bitcoin or Bitcoin cash as his preferred spiritual heir.
“Honestly, bro, these days I’m more interested in projects like Tron and PacCoin,” Nakamoto said. “I’ve also heard great things about WeedCoin and SpankCoin. Some guy on Reddit said Spank has an impending partnership with Vivid Video; It’s probably bullshit but it was still kind of convincing.”
Nakamoto added that technical discussions about block size and hash rate no longer appealed to him.
“Life’s too short for that shit,” Nakamoto said. “People who think I’m some kind of high-minded, radical crypto-anarchist are delusional.”
Now that he’s returned from exile, Nakamoto said he plans to start a crytpo Vlog on YouTube and open a trading account on Cryptopia immediately.
“Before I left the Caribbean, McAfee gave me some wise counsel: ‘Chase pumps and do bumps.’ That’s not just sound crypto investment advice — it’s a damn call to arms.
“And you’d best believe Satoshi’s going to answer it.”